Can We Talk About Abuse?

Many abused people are not fully aware that they are being abused or to what extent. The fight for emotional and spiritual survival in relationships steals identity from abused people, especially children, leaving them to feel fear, anxiety, insecurity and confusion. Abusing children or those powerless is the most demonic of all abuse because original purpose is denied them.  Any time a person’s true purpose is diminished it is abusive. Foundationally, we must know The Creator’s purpose for His people to determine if abuse is present. To be abused is to be misused, to be used in a manner unintended by creation. 

Most adults parent children in non-abusive behavior according to their own discernment and values; don't hit your sister, don’t backtalk your mother; don't go in your brother's room, don't put your dirty feet on the sofa, don’t chew with your mouth open. A person’s understanding of abuse comes from environment and what they learn is tolerable. Children are the most abused people on the planet.

Children show us that without knowledge of their intended use and purpose, they know abuse's hurt & shame, but can't know abuse is wrong.  Because of early training and experiences in childhood, it is not easy to discern abuse thereafter. Too many abusive behaviors have been normalized and internalized while being raised and socialized. 

We need another way, and I want to share a tool for accessing whether or not you are being abused, or perhaps abusing others.

Imagine a heavy drop of rain hitting a perfectly still pool of water. There will be concentric, spaced waves formed by the impact that moves outward through the water. The wave closest to the point of impact is very tall and wide but those following get smaller, shorter & farther away from first impact.

You are the heavy droplet and you have plunged yourself into a social experience. The waves in the water are your journey through your experience. At first this plunge may seem all you ever thought it would be; the best job, the greatest spouse; a delightful group of like-minded thinkers, or a perhaps a household of spiritual faith. You are content and happy with your choice.

You may begin to reassess your place in this relationship with spouse, boss, job, church, Pastor or group as it grows and changes. You are mentally and emotionally comparing your current feelings and expectations, with the ones in the beginning, & finding yourself in a quandry.

You have hopefully become more aware of your purpose in the relationship and of the proper use of yourself as a spouse, employee, believer or contributor to all of these relationships. You may be discovering things you are content with and things you are discontented with, and will begin weighing your personal fulfillment &  personal growth.

Here's the rub. Relationships are a mixture. Pure abuse is usually plain to see. Yet those who misuse others learn and practice abuse because it works for their purpose not yours. As long as they are experiencing positive results they will take little time looking at their effects on others. Most abused people go with the flow, doing the pros and cons in their mind like a math problem. The times of hurtful words & behaviors, of awkward misunderstandings are accepted as the good with the bad; the bitter with the sweet. 

As we roll through those waves in our relationships, they really rock our boats, especially when we find ourselves devastated by a wound from a spouse, disillusioned in a peer, manipulated by a Pastor, or lied to by a leader. The hurt and anger can be so deep, so stunning a wound to the heart, we once again feel like a little child, helpless and alone,  wondering, how did I get here? What you have learned has determined how you live.

Relationships should not flow along without some appraisal of whether or not you are being appropriately appreciated or abused in them. This is only accurate if you are looking at how far the relationship has moved from the beginning, not from the last wave of disappointment. Ask yourself, how have I been changed?

Your heart has been wounded and your ideal self & pure purpose has been diminished within your relationship! The vision of one flesh, a team, a family, an equal, a peer, a student, an employee, is a vapor and your defensive protection of your vision in the beginning will make it easier to decide the relationship isn’t so bad after all.  

Ask The Lord about His intention for you & your relationships. Do not be afraid to see a change must come. Even there, wherever you are, The Holy Spirit can mend you and make you new.  His love, vision and shared wisdom will always, in every way speak to who you are in Him, and He will confirm with His Truth if a relationship is in alignment with His purpose and vision for your life.